I'm Stuck in this in-between

Monday, October 18, 2010

The perfect soundtrack for this post....

Rewind. Go back. A few years, or a few more. Then STOP. Freeze. Never change. Never ever ever ever ever ever.... Growing up is so hard. I'm so torn. I LOVE my husband with all of my heart. I LOVE my job. I know my life is good. I'm very grateful for all I have. But at the same time I really really miss what life used to be.

I miss my baby sister. I miss my brothers. I miss my parents and grandparents and uncles and aunts. And STARS. I miss being able to see the stars so brightly every single night. I miss listening to music with people I care about. I miss being able to be with someone for hours and hours without saying a word and not having it be awkward. I miss homemade ice-cream and card games. I miss watching my grandpa beat Tetras for the millionth time, or watch him working hard on a puzzle that I can't even fathom trying. I miss my grandma cooking in the kitchen - her spotless kitchen. I miss her fretting about all the weeds in the backyard. I miss picking roses with her and arranging them in a glass to place on the table. I miss her teaching me how to wrap Christmas presents. I miss the pecans my grandpa would crack on his lap while sitting in his favorite chair.

It's stupid and childish and I should just grow up....

The other day I was ting up the trash to take it out and it smelt just like dirty diapers. We don't have any diapers in our house, dirty or elsewise. But it smelt just like that and it made me cry. Sort of like that day I finally bought a pregnancy test to take the next morning and when the next morning came so did the reason I didn't need to take it. If I can't go backwards I want to move forward - but I can't. I'm stuck in this in-between. I'm so sick of being stuck here. I want my family back or my baby. Please... pretty please.