While scrolling through my blogroll I didn't notice a theme. It wasn't until I had finished with tears heavily rolling down my checks that I realized how many new baby and pregnancy posts I had just read and that my heart was burning along with my eyes with longing and fear.
I've been putting off going to the doctor. I feel like I would rather live with no baby than to find out for sure I can't have one. Hubby's been upset with me but I'm so scared. I want a baby so badly. I want it at the right time in the right place. I just want to get pregnant the natural way. I want God to take care of it, I don't want to get other people - even doctors, involved.
Most days I'm fine and hopeful but then some days like today I crack. I know there is still time, it can still happen the way I want it to, but after two years of trying it doesn't look very hopeful. If there is a reason for the delay shouldn't I be doing something to better myself so I can be better prepared? I know I need to be more spiritual and reach out more. I'm working on my weight and getting in better shape. I'm growing my business so I can continue to work at home when a baby does come. But maybe I'm missing something. Maybe I just need to push away my fears and go to the doctor. How do you get rid of the fear? And how will I deal if I do find out the worst?