Oh baby

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

While scrolling through my blogroll I didn't notice a theme. It wasn't until I had finished with tears heavily rolling down my checks that I realized how many new baby and pregnancy posts I had just read and that my heart was burning along with my eyes with longing and fear.

I've been putting off going to the doctor. I feel like I would rather live with no baby than to find out for sure I can't have one. Hubby's been upset with me but I'm so scared. I want a baby so badly. I want it at the right time in the right place. I just want to get pregnant the natural way. I want God to take care of it, I don't want to get other people - even doctors, involved.

Most days I'm fine and hopeful but then some days like today I crack. I know there is still time, it can still happen the way I want it to, but after two years of trying it doesn't look very hopeful. If there is a reason for the delay shouldn't I be doing something to better myself so I can be better prepared? I know I need to be more spiritual and reach out more. I'm working on my weight and getting in better shape. I'm growing my business so I can continue to work at home when a baby does come. But maybe I'm missing something. Maybe I just need to push away my fears and go to the doctor. How do you get rid of the fear? And how will I deal if I do find out the worst?

13 bubble blowin' comments:

Amy said...

I am not good with words, but here is a big hug for you!
( )

Beth P. said...

I can't imagine that much of a bloggy world would be easy for someone in your position to sift through. I think you need to do just what you feel is right, whether that means waiting a bit longer or going to get the help you may need. I hope the answer comes easily for you soon and you get a precious baby when the timing is perfect.

Mighty M said...

Hard to get rid of the fear, but you can get past it. I think seeing a doctor will help you get some clarity. Good luck with whatever you decide! Thinking good thoughts for you!!

Eva Gallant said...

Two years may seem like a long time, but it isn't really if you look at in in perspective. Just continue living and loving and try to put it out of your mind. So many couples who have trouble concieving adopt and then later have their own, because they've relaxed and stopped trying. When the time is right, it will happen.

Kaylen said...

I know of quite a number of people who are trying so hard to have a baby and it just isn't working and it always makes me feel guilty for my overly-zealous uterus that was ever so anxious when I was 18...I don't know how to express in words how much I wish the good and nice humans in the world could have the baby they are ready and dreaming of, instead of people who don't deserve to be parents, who don't cherish every second.
I have my fingers crossed for you that it happens soon....but things always work out in the end...just be patient.

Kitty said...

I understand how you feel, but a baby is a miracle no matter how it is created. Maybe it's time to get some help.

Come by and chat with me anytime: http://www.abellevie.com.

Fruitful Vine2 said...

I can't imagine what you're going through but it doesn't look easy. Here are some scripture verses for you:

Philippians 4:6 - Be anxious for nothing but in everything by prayer and supplication let your requests be made known to God and the peace of God that passes all understanding will keep your heart and mind in Christ Jesus.

And another one - Philippians 4:19 - My God shall supply all your needs according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus.

And finally - Matthew 6:33 - Seek first the kingdom of God and all His righteousness and all these things shall be added unto you.

I know two years is a very long time when your heart's desire is not being met but rest in the Lord and wait patiently for him. Let His will be done in your life.


Tammy Howard said...

I'd consult a doc - just so you have a little more info on the table. Sending you good thoughts...

Twincerely,Olga said...

HI! I am sorry you are feeling this way!:( I had to have medical interv. to have my twinkies and it all turned out better than I ever imagined in the end!! Hugs!
Oh I was sayin hi from SITS!

Sharon said...

Wow Katie. My heart hurts for you 'cause I feel your ache. I've been there too. I know it doesn't help to hear that from a mom who got what you want, but I'll start praying for your family.

As awful as it is, I would definitely go to the doctor... and if s/he says, "keep trying" (but you think you're past that point) ask for a referral to a specialist. Some times God will use modern medicine to accomplish His miracles!

The Kooky Queen--Rachel said...

Awwwwwwwwwww hunny!!! I just had a miscarriage and also want a baby so bad! Granted, I have two but they took awhile to get. Just take courage and go. The reason could be very simple and you could get it fixed quick. My heart and prayers are with you!!! I understand 100%!

kanishk said...

I ever imagined in the end!! Work From Home

lemonologie said...

I completely understand the feelings that you are talking about in the post. You want to know, but you don't.

When I went for that appointment that you are describing, I was terrified. Then the doctor told me that they couldn't find anything wrong. I remember thinking...WHAT? Nothing?

We decided to use fertility medication before we did more invasive testing and now I have a beautiful 10 month old.

Patience is so hard, and we can never understand the timing of these things. But, there is hope!

All the best of luck to you!

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