It's raining outside (and in).

It's getting worse. The last two days I haven't worked. I can't. I don't feel well, sleep well, eat well, or interact well.

I feel grey. Like Eeyore in Winnie-the-Pooh. Maybe it's the weather, allergies, maybe it's nerves, from over-working, maybe it's depression. Or maybe this is what being a grown-up feels like. I used to get excited about Grape Soda. Not so much anymore.

It's like it's gone. That carefree, the world is amazing, childlike outlook. It used to come so naturally and now I can hardly even force it. Being 25 sucks.

NEVER being able to forget also sucks. I TRY SO HARD. I have Hubby and he is wonderful, my job is the best, my life is really great and I'm happy. But it's always there, in the back of my mind. Why can't I conceive a child?...

It's getting worse. But it will get better. It has too.

Hubby knows best

Yesterday.

Worked on this one blog for 5 hours straight. Kept having stupid problems and couldn't for the life of me right align the navigation bar.Wanted to fix it and be done but I couldn't.

Hubby came home, turned on the TV and proceeded to watch basketball and yell "Jimmer" over and over again. Yelling, cheering.

I wasn't in the mood and wasn't very nice to him. He very carefully suggested that I take a break for the night and start again in the morning. Reluctantly I folded and stepped away from the computer.


Today.

Work up early. Answered email. Started on that same blog and fixed it in five minutes.

Although he couldn't technically help me, he helped. And he always does. He's the smartest person I know and I'm so blessed to have him around :)

Oh, COME ON!!!

Alright, I'm not MAD, so don't take this the wrong way, but I only have 6 entries (thanks you ladies, you are the best!) for my portion of our DreamUp Studios giveaway. The winner will get $100 worth of services for FREE. That's a lot of money (at least in my world it is) and I really wanted more people to want it... I've been busy and haven't had much time to announce it (plus I'm terrible at doing that) but you would think at least some of my readers would enter.... any advise?? Ashley has 6 as well and I want to BEAT her.

Okay rant over. Enter the giveaway here.

Just call me "Wheezy"

Happy New Year! Hoping 2011 will be much better for you than Dec. '10 was for Hubby and I. With endless colds, fevers and kidney stones it hasn't been much fun. The first video below describes perfectly how I've been feeling (and sounding) all week - very wheezy. The second video is how I feel today - getting better but still beat up.

Ps. be on the lookout for some changes around here. It's about time to brighten things up!!

It was a beautiful wedding!

My brother is wed! Both of them are now. It's so weird - us all growing up getting married and moving away. It was a beautiful wedding. I wish my husband could have been there (I miss him so much!) but I'm glad I was there. I'm glad I'm here in AZ. I LOVE AZ. One more week and back to FL.

My husband is a mess without me - that makes me smile. It's always nice to know I'm needed and wanted and make some sort of difference. Everytime he calles he tells me how surprized he is at the amount of work I do around the house. "You do ALOT". He says. "And you work". Yep. Speaking of work - I'm way behind. Off to answer emails and catch up. Hope you are all great!!!

I'm Stuck in this in-between

The perfect soundtrack for this post....





Rewind. Go back. A few years, or a few more. Then STOP. Freeze. Never change. Never ever ever ever ever ever.... Growing up is so hard. I'm so torn. I LOVE my husband with all of my heart. I LOVE my job. I know my life is good. I'm very grateful for all I have. But at the same time I really really miss what life used to be.

I miss my baby sister. I miss my brothers. I miss my parents and grandparents and uncles and aunts. And STARS. I miss being able to see the stars so brightly every single night. I miss listening to music with people I care about. I miss being able to be with someone for hours and hours without saying a word and not having it be awkward. I miss homemade ice-cream and card games. I miss watching my grandpa beat Tetras for the millionth time, or watch him working hard on a puzzle that I can't even fathom trying. I miss my grandma cooking in the kitchen - her spotless kitchen. I miss her fretting about all the weeds in the backyard. I miss picking roses with her and arranging them in a glass to place on the table. I miss her teaching me how to wrap Christmas presents. I miss the pecans my grandpa would crack on his lap while sitting in his favorite chair.

It's stupid and childish and I should just grow up....

The other day I was ting up the trash to take it out and it smelt just like dirty diapers. We don't have any diapers in our house, dirty or elsewise. But it smelt just like that and it made me cry. Sort of like that day I finally bought a pregnancy test to take the next morning and when the next morning came so did the reason I didn't need to take it. If I can't go backwards I want to move forward - but I can't. I'm stuck in this in-between. I'm so sick of being stuck here. I want my family back or my baby. Please... pretty please.

24 turned 25

Time is flying by, either I'm overworked or I'm officially old, or both - yeah both sounds right. I turned 25 last week. I'm reminded of a song I love, enjoy!

Because I ADORE him

25 seems so much older than 24. At 24 it's totally fine to not have it all together but 25, oh boy, something must be wrong with you if you don't have 2 kids and a house. I totally get why woman complain about getting older.The day after I turned 25 I woke up and saw wrinkles and the kids at Church looked oh so young.Sigh...tell me it's okay to get old.

ps. due to working so much (I love my job!) I haven't been able to read any of your lovely blogs, I miss you all. Let me know what you've been up to, if you have been, if you care (that totally reminded me of one of my favorite lines from Gilmore Girls, go me!).

a lovely shirt and a story

the story:
One night Hubby and I were sleeping soundly when all of a sudden he shot out of bed.

"What is that SMELL???" he mumbled/shouted.

I didn't smell anything and went back to sleep but the urgency and terror in his voice prevented me from falling. He walked around the apartment smelling everything, repeating his question over and over again. After a few minutes I started to smell it as well and got worried. "Maybe it was some sort of gas leak and we were being poisoned". I had flashes of us out on the street - pj's on body and blankets in hand.

"It's the fan!!" He announced upon smelling it like a drug sniffing dog. A huge 'I saved the day' grin across his face. A sigh of relief was shared by both of us. He took the stupid thing outside never to be used again.

Yesterday I finally got around to replacing said fan. Since I was in 'town' (I'm a small town girl so I still call going shopping 'going to town')I did a little shopping. Resisted purchasing anything at Kirkland's, although there tons of things I wanted, and moved on to Avenue. There I tried on a blank/blank shirt and it fit me! It was 4 sizes smaller than I tried on last visit! The sleeves were too short so I didn't buy it but it made me happy that it fit - haven't fit into that size since high school. BTW - everyone, thank you for your kind words on my last post! They really meant a lot. I did get a pretty purple eggplant shirt which I like very much.

Now on to the fan. I went to Target since it was right there. I always hate going to Target cause they never have what I'm looking for but I gave it one more shot. I walked around that whole silly store and didn't see one fan. Vacuums, tables + chairs, lamps + shades - but no fans. Grrr... by this time I wasn't feeling too hot (well, that's a lie - I was feeling way too hot, overheated in fact) so I just went home fan less. Stupid target. Stupid fan.

Lovely, lovely, lovely shirt.

BTW: TOMORROW IS MY BIRTHDAY!!

The one where I wish we could lie.

Hubby and I are very honest people. But Tuesday night when Hubby came home and told me his boss DID NOT give him Friday off, I practically screamed, "Why didn't you just call out that day instead of ask for it? You never get the days off you ask for!"

He shrugged his shoulders and said, "You wanted me to lie?"

No, I guess not. CRAP. So much for the beach this weekend. DEEP BREATH - IN and OUT.

Ever lied to your boss so you could have a little GET AWAY?

Just a little rant, because it's raining.

Friday afternoon I had an idea: go with Hubby on a spontaneous trip to the beach and treat him to beautiful hotel room overlooking the ocean. When he got home I excitedly told him of my plans and offered to help him pack.

"I'm tired. Not really feeling the drive right now." POP!! Went my happy bubble. I wanted to offer to drive but knew he would get car sick which wouldn't be fun so I just gave up and sulked to our bedroom. It was then that I realized I wanted to go for me more than for him.

Oops.

I'm still in a sad funk about my family leaving. My sister was here for two months and she BELONGED - you know? It's like something, someone, is missing in our home now and it sucks. I'm trying, and most days I'm fine, but it sucks.

I AM SICK OF SEATTLE (Well Florida actually, but it works with the song).



Anyone have any ideas to cheer myself up and move on? Something besides spontaneousness? Any ideas would be appreciated. Also I'm back full swing in the blogging world! Leave me a comment if you are new here and I'll be sure to visit you, I need some more blogging friends :)

Even the sky cries for you

Dropped my family off at the airport this morning. Watched them walk through the doors and disappear then I turned up the music and drove away. The farther I drove the louder I made the music - I didn't want to cry today.

Stopped off to get some groceries. Walked down each isle grabbing my favorites - whatever looked good and was semi healthy. Something for lunch and something for dinner. Worked on my smiling - I didn't want to cry today.

Paid for my things and placed them in the car. Cleaned out the trash that had collected and headed home. Saw the fire I had been smelling for days; it was closer to our apartment than I had thought. Not sure what it was but pretty sure it was controlled.

Kept driving and started to notice the black leaves whooshing in the breeze. Pulled into our apartment complex as the leaves and ashes got thicker and thicker. The 'good' spot was open but I pulled into the garage instead in fear of ashes covering my car and messing it up. Had to back up three times and then drive back around and try again before I made it into the tight space. I need to work on that.

Piled the bio hazards with handles onto my arms and into my hands and headed to the door. Wondered if I should hold my breath as the leaves fell and swirled all around me. A thought popped into my head: Even the sky is crying today. I unlocked the door, walked up the steps, set down the bags. Then I cried. I cried and cried and cried. My family is gone, even Sister.

I'm not good at goodbyes. Stupid crying sky.

What did you do over the weekend?

Have you even wanted the weekend to last forever? That's the boat I'm in today.

I stretched out last night as long as I could, keeping Hubby awake till 1am, then Sister awake till almost 3. I'm not always a "NO! Not Monday!!!" type of person, thank goodness, but today... well you get the point. I slept until almost noon, just to avoid today a little longer. Then strait to the bath tub to, yes, pretend today hadn't arrived. And even now I'm writing this post instead of working.

I love my job, we all know this, but I don't want to work today.

The weekend was great! Hubby watched the USA World Cup Soccer game (which they lost, unfortunately) then we were off to the beach to see Lifehouse, my sister's obsession. Being just feet away from the beach and not actually seeing it because of the massive amounts of people pretty much sucked, but my sister, my lovely silly sister, got to see and hear Lifehouse preform. Seeing her so happy makes me happy and even thought it was 1000 degrees out there when we first arrived and my ear drums are slightly damaged I am so glad we were able to take her. It was a nice little break from the norm. and my first official concert, w00t!

Sunday was a lazy uplifting day, doing nothing but spiritual things. Hubby and I got our first ever Temple Recommends signed and I am SO HAPPY! We are going to be sealed together for time and all eternity. I've been waiting for this day my whole life, specifically the last three years and honestly, it hasn't really sunk in yet. I'm sure I'll be back to share more thoughts on the subject when the sinking in has occurred but for now I'll just tell you again that I really really wish the weekend wasn't over.... but then again, that means that next weekend is one day closer. That's a happy thought too! Maybe we will go back to the beach and actually see it.

My Shopping Epiphany/ Life is a delicate balance

Some things you should know before the story:
1. I SUCK AT SHOPPING!! Even though I work hard to get it, I feel bad spending money, I want to save up for our baby and to move away from here.

2. I've been collecting Classic Winnie-The-Pooh since I was 12. I've always been practical like that, knowing that I would give them to my baby one day.



Now for the story:
Sister and I went shopping the other. We had coupons for borders so we went there first. After looking through every single cd she found two she wanted to buy and I found a whole stack but ended up putting them all back.

We then went to the mall. I found this ADORABLE Classic Winnie-The-Pooh baby scrapbook. Not only was the album cute but the pages inside were all decorated and waiting to put pictures inside. It was PERFECT but pricey so I reached out for some advise.

"You don't have a baby yet." Sister said.

Shut up shut up!! I know I know!!!

"What?! You called me for this?" Hubby said.

I decided to buy it anyways. When the cashier told me the price I about fainted. For some reason it was on sale for 76% off. I had to check several times after I left the store to make sure I wasn't dreaming. While we were still in the mall a huge thunderstorm started. We waited it out for awhile then headed home as it didn't look like it would stop anytime soon and we were tired and needed to start dinner. On the drive home I got lost.

It was wet and slippery and dark and I was scared. My sister was playing one of her new cd's and the song "I believe in you"by Vertical Horizon came on. I said a little prayer, turned around and found our way back home just like that.

Life is a delicate balance. Sometimes it's all about having the confidence to follow your heart and other times it's all about asking for help. Amazing what you can learn while shopping huh?!

Feeling down today because...

I WISH I WAS PREGNANT ALREADY!!! I want my baby.

big smile baby love

Hubby: "You are the love of my life."
Me: "Oh yeah?"
Hubby: "Yep. And when Maddie comes she's be the love of my life too."
Me: Big Smile.

So my appointment went as well as hoped. All my tests came out normal or negative. As Hubby would say, "my pipes are fine". The only problem they can see is my ovulation - it's not happening much, if at all, my hormones are all out of whack, but we pretty much knew that already. I got some drugs ($84 -suck) to stop the bleeding, it will make me really tired and really sleepy, and then in three weeks I go back to discuss fertility treatments.

I don't know that much about fertility treatments. It scares me and I fear that the more I learn the more I will stress out. Stressing is part of the problem right? So that would make things worse? Or maybe it won't matter, I don't know. And what about the cost, will our insurance cover most of it? We need to save up to actually pay for the baby stuff when it's born, if we have to pay a ton to just get it in my tummy... sigh.

But that all fail in comparison when I think about this simple fact: if it all goes well I could be holding my very own baby in my arms by this time next year.

Dear Katie,

Yesterday wasn't so great. Here are some things you've learned.

1. Listen to those little subtle feelings that say, "grab the book" or "wear the other shoes". It just might prevent a TON of problems.

2. Before driving all the way across town and having hubby take off of work to go to the doctor's office to discuss the results of tests, always call and make sure they have all the results.

3. If for whatever reason you forget to call to check on the results please make sure you remember where it was you got the tests done. (the paperwork was in the book, hence #1.)

4. You have a bad memory, always make a backup plan. Write EVERYTHING down and take a notebook full of anything and everything you might need.

5. When you need something done quickly, call Mom not Hubby's brother. He will get nervous and very very dumb, taking 20 minutes to do something that should take only 2.

6. And when you call Mom, make sure Hubby is out of earshot when you tell her the password so you don't have to change it when you get home. That can only result in locking yourself out of your own computer and possible sabotaging your web design company as you cannot work without it.

7. It might be time for an i-phone. Just saying.

8. Dragging your feet across sidewalk, pavement, dirt hills and grass, because your shoe broke and that's the only way it will stay somewhat on, is very very hard. (Also hence #1.)

9. Please remember that as great as Hubby is, it's unthinkable to expect him to help you out after you ruined his day. It's also unreasonable to expect him to finish a movie before falling asleep.

10. And lastly, ice-cream can fix anything. But you already knew that didn't you.

It's a wonder I'm not dead

I work a lot and sleep a little.

Today I had to run some errands. That means driving. I hate to drive - I'm not that bad at it, I just can't stand the other people on the roads. I almost got ran into about 5 times. Somehow I survived.

On the way home I wanted to stop by and get some groceries. I drove right past the grocery store, 5 miles past actually, before I had even realized it. I was in some sort of lack of sleep trance and kept looking behind me expecting a cop although I wasn't doing anything wrong - I wasn't even speeding. Paranoid much?! Somehow I got home safe without a ticket( or groceries).

ALSO my internet connection is not working properly. For a web designer (at least for me) this means tragedy. I want so badly to smash that little gray box to pieces. Or smash my brain to pieces. Either one would make me feel better I think. Maybe then I could get some sleep... But I resist and somehow I survive.

I'm going crazy, I'm losing my mind. It's a wonder I'm still alive.

Wish me luck!

Been saying for months years now that I was going to make a gyn appointment. Well our new insurance is finally gone through so I did it. I called about 15 different offices, called back the one that sounded the nicest and booked their earliest appointment which was April 26th.

I
am
so
scared

tmi warning! I've only gotten a pap one time before. It was terrible. Painful. And I really don't want to even experience it again. Apparently my cervix is 'way up there' and hard as heck to get to. Augh! But on the plus side Hubby and I are hopping that is the reason we haven't been able to get pregnant yet (any doctors in the house - could that be a reason??).

You can practically hear the butterflies flying throughout my whole body. I'm so scared to find out the worst, but I've realized that I'd rather deal with any terrible truth now then find out too late that something could have been done. It's worth any pain and heartache I have to go through to finally get my baby. Hubby mentions it everyday now, even talks to and rubs my stomach pretending and practicing. It's time, it's so time.

Wish me luck!

Breakthroughs; a fever and the like

Wrote up a long post about all the stress, frustration and emotions that have overwhelmed this past week. Read over it and realized how silly I was being. Yes this last week have been hard. Yes Hubby has been sick with a fever for the past five days, causing him to miss three days of work when he has yet to build up any sick days. Yes he has to go to work today no matter what. But he's still alive, and yesterday his fever finally broke. He will get better.

Yes I have terrible sinus pressure and many things going on that I'm struggling to catch up with. But I'm still alive too. I have yet to catch Hubby's illness so I can continue to take care of him. The pressure will go away, things will get done and crossed off the list. Worries will be soothed.

It's all about perspective isn't it. I had a teacher who used to say, "Don't take yourself too seriously." I absolutely hated when he said that. I didn't understand then but I understand now. It was one of the best pieces of advise I've ever gotten. This one I just got on a piece of chocolate (yes chocolate for breakfast!) is good too, "Remind yourself that it's okay not to be perfect."

Life is good. Hard sometimes, but still very very good.

Clinging to Winter with a walk

Right now, just outside my door, the weather is perfect. The sun is shinning, the birds are a chirping and a cool wind blows. Knowing that this type of perfection is fleeting I took a long walk to soak it all in. Any minute now the wind will disappear and the sun will begin beating down in full force. Summer is so close these days. I want to cling onto any sign of winter, as small as it may be, for as long as possible.